Why is it that we miss the ones who aren’t right for us?
And after having a moment of knowing they aren’t right for us, why doesn’t the rest of our hearts and brains get the memo and just let that shit go?
I am sick of pining over men who don’t deserve the light of me.
The last 3 months I don’t feel hungry for love.
No, not right now.
Right now for the first time in my life I am hard.
I am hardened from the softness that allows in those who do not have the sincerity to keep me.
I am hardened by my father who left. I am hardened by all of them that look at me and say, “You’re so incredible, but you’re not for me. You’re incredible, but that five year relationship I was on and off in—I’m going to go for one more gander because clearly that’s worth betting on.”
Some days I am light—I am laughing and saying I’m getting ready to be ready for love.
And on other nights I am in tears, or angry—so angry I want to throw all the books off the wall of my library onto the floor and scream from the pit of my belly until all the men who haven’t showed up are dragged with my screams to the pits of hell.
I am joy, and lightness and sunshine and I also have the rage of a volcano brewing inside of me and there are days where I also unleash her light, on these nights you won’t recognize me.